


"Fuck You"

by thedrunkenwerewolf



Series: Heirverse: Phase 2 (Can We Survive This?) [6]
Category: Bleach
Genre: Betrayal, Break Up, Broken Heart, Broken Promises, Established Relationship, Hurt No Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, Inspired by Music, Introspection, Language of Flowers, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mind Games, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-27 00:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18187550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedrunkenwerewolf/pseuds/thedrunkenwerewolf
Summary: A scene taking place inside cwst, when Gin leaves the gladiolus for Sousuke, as one last 'fuck you'.





	"Fuck You"

**Author's Note:**

> Woah-woah-oh-ohhh~
> 
> Started dictating but dragon quit on me because I ended up reading too aggressively/emotionally ayy.
> 
> cwst spoilers [duh]. Game references [yay]. And Emotional Gunshots throughout because according to Time i'm a sadist [but hey if I gotta suffer and cry you have to, too!] Bring tissues :) inspired heavily by Circus-P's song ¼ that I strongly recommend listening to during or after reading this piece. Inspired by but less so by Marvyanaka-P's song 'Gone'. And please, support these producers :)

 

_Am I the only one, that's holding on for far too long?_

_Was it all just a dream?_

_Am I wrong?_

_Was there no 'You and Me'?_

_\- Circus-P [1/4]_

**Fxxk You**

**(By TheDrunkenWerewolf)**

Gin walked slowly back to the house, gladiolus in hand. Carrying it carefully. He wondered where he might put it. Treading quietly into the kitchen on bare feet, he closed and locked the door behind him. No point leaving the door open. He wasn't coming back. Not anytime soon, anyway. Perhaps not for a long time. Perhaps never. Never would be best, he thought bitterly.

His gaze drifted and landed on Sousuke's favourite mug, still sitting on the dining table. He winced at the memory of throwing it, smashing it to pieces. It felt wrong somehow, to see it whole again. Held together by glue, covered in cracks that could be seen if you looked close enough. Tiny little fractures interrupting the sleeping cat design painted on it. Gin would've wondered if it would even function as a mug anymore, only the mug held flowers, and flowers had to sit in water or else they'd die. Gin stared at them dumbly. Unable to stir up any feeling inside him at all. Feeling numb. Empty.

Hollow.

He flicked through his mental flower dictionary for the meanings of the flowers again.

Purple hyacinth: a plea for forgiveness.

Heliotrope: devoted affection.

Judas Tree: betrayal.

Altogether translating into: 'please forgive me for my betrayal. I love you.'

Still he felt nothing.

 _Nice try, Sousuke,_  he thought.  _But it won't work. I can't feel a thing for you now. How can I after what you did?_

He swallowed again, willing his hands to stop shaking. Telling himself it was just his body's reaction to the chill morning outside. _I feel nothing. He told himself, I feel nothing for him. I am numb, I am empty._

He repeated the words to himself, and it became his mantra. _I am empty._

_Empty is good. Empty is strong. I feel nothing._

_…Why can't I feel anything?_

He stared out of the flowers on the table, mocking him.  _Lies, surely. They have to be._  It was simply too much for his shattered heart if they weren't. That made things harder. That made things complicated. Made his choice so much harder.

_All he ever does is lie._

He considered, for a moment, burning. Needed to practice his kiddos spells anyway and it would certainly make you feel better still obliterated painful things existed. Or at least he hoped it would. He didn't know with certainty if he would. But then, he wasn't certain of anything any more.

He looked at the flowers again, studying the petals of the heliotrope, the way they turned towards the light of the sun. In their language, on its own: 'I turn to you the way this flower turns to face the sun.'

There was a story about this. About Clytie, daughter of Oceanus and Tethys, who fell in love with the sun god, Helios. Sousuke told him the story, once, in bed one night after a rather vigorous round of lovemaking. Gin could remember him telling it, even hear his voice if he focused enough. Not that he wanted to right now.

Helios loved Clytie in return, and they were happy. Although, it didn't last. Helios had a wandering gaze, and abandoned her run away with another, and left her betrayed and heartbroken. Gin could relate to her. He too, had been betrayed, abandoned, and had his heart broken.

He could understand too, her vengeful attempts to get rid of his new lover, because he was angry, too. Didn't he want to go spew vitriol at Hinamori too? Even though it would probably accomplish nothing?

His shoulders sagged. He also understood what Clytie did after failing to win her Helios back; sitting on a rocky hillside and mourning for the love of her life. Watching him ride his chariot across the sky to bring daylight to the world. She did this for nine whole days before the gods took pity on her and turned her into the turnsole – the heliotrope – still to this day turning her head to gaze longingly at her beloved Helios.

Gin blinked back tears. Sousuke had told him that story, explaining the meaning of the heliotrope in their- Gin swallowed the bile in his throat -

…the flower language.

It seemed the man had been trying to tell him something, in hindsight. And hindsight was always a bitch.

 _But didn't I know that?_ Gin thought. _Didn't I know this might happen and pursue him anyway? I knew about his history,_ he paused mid-thought. Swallowed. Thought or Urahara.  _I knew his reputation._  Here, he thought of all the whispered gossip passed throughout the academy.  _I knew what he was like. And yet I wanted him anyway. Because he said the right words and gave me flowers and-_ here he had to bite his tongue almost, to stop more tears from coming. But it didn't work. Of course it didn't work. His body was too exhausted to fight them anymore.  _Told me he loved me._

And at this, he remembered their wedding day. And all the promises they'd made to each other. He let his throat relax and the sob escape, though he nearly choked on it.  _Just like everyone else. Just like every other fucker he's had._

He sniffed. Wiped his nose. Wiped his cheeks. Wished he had tissues.

I _feel like a fool. I feel like Clytie. If he's Helios, then I'm his Clytie._

He sniffed again.  _I was always your Clytie, wasn't I, Sousuke? I thought I was your other half, your soulmate, but... I was wrong, wasn't I?_

_I was wrong; there was no 'You and Me'._

_Is this true? Were you not feeling this too? Were you not feeling the same?_

_Am I the only one that's been holding onto a fantasy for far too long?_

_I guess you weren't. I guess I was. I don't know. I don't care._

_I wish I didn't care._

Gin took in a deep, shaky breath in an attempt to ground himself. Tame the wild animal that was his heart clawing and bashing against his ribcage and making him feel sick. At Sousuke for lying to him. At his own foolishness and naivety for believing the lies. For being so goddamn stupid and playing so beautifully and pathetically into his hands. Gin was sure that if he looked up the word 'fool' in the dictionary, there'd be a picture of his face.

Because the warnings were there. He just chose to ignore them. And now everyone, particularly Kyoraku Shunsui, would be saying  _'I told you so'_. As if he didn't feel humiliated enough.

Gin wasn't sure which hurt worse. Sousuke's betrayal, or the humiliation that would follow when the news got out and the gossips pecked at the corpse of his marriage like the vultures they were. Not that it mattered. Either way, he was in for a world of pain and heartache. Did it really matter who dished it out?

After another attempt at a deep, calming breath, Gin closed his eyes for a moment. Hardening himself against any soft feelings he might still have for Sousuke, so that when he opened his eyes again, he would hurt less. _Empty is good. Empty is strong._

It would fail of course, but he had to try.

He made himself move on through the house, forced his mind to focus on his task. He had a flower to leave for Sousuke, and it couldn't be here. Not in the room with the heliotrope and the painful memories smashing him in the stomach every time he looked at it. One last dig from the Judas himself. As if he weren't hurting enough. As if the broken shards of the heart in his chest weren't cutting into him deeply enough.

Because all Gin ever did was love him. With everything he had. Because he'd Given Sousuke everything. His mind to mould. His heart to hold. His body to keep the cold rain away...  _everything._

Yet  _this_ was how he'd been repayed. And  _fuck_ , did that sting. Was it  _so hard_  to be loyal? Was it that difficult to keep a promise? Seriously, was it  _so goddamn hard?_

Apparently so, if Sousuke could do this. If he could just walk away this easily. As if their time together meant nothing.

 _Do I mean nothing to you?_  He'd asked. Guess he knew the answer. He'd known the answer before the words even left his mouth to form the question.

He dragged in another jagged, painful breath of cold air into his lungs. Even inside it was cold. Somewhere in his mind he knew homes were supposed to be warm. To be places of sanctuary and refuge... but, he supposed this wasn't a home anymore. Just a house. A building. Shared by two complete strangers instead of the married couple they were supposed to be. The lovers. Partners. Two halves of a whole.

They certainly weren't now. Not after this. In fact, Gin doubted they ever would be again. Actually, he knew they never would be again. How could they? After Sousuke did everything so perfectly to ensure their destruction?

Gin swallowed the lump in his throat. It seemed Sousuke really hadn't been feeling anything for him. Probably never had. Just playing the long game to stave off some boredom.  _I guess it was all just a **lie.**  A  **game.**_

_**We**  were a lie._

And yet – Gin could feel his throat constrict, choking off his air supply. As if he were drowning in the ocean. Sinking deeper and deeper, gasping for air. And yet there had been moments, fragments even, when Gin had really believed it. Really, honestly, truly believed Aizen Sousuke genuinely felt something for him.

He'd believed it on their wedding day. When they'd moved in together and Sousuke made him that first cup of tea.

He'd believed it on their first few dates. When they'd first kissed. First held hands. When they'd shared some Rukon Stew and had a magical evening together. When he first introduced Sousuke to Cherry-chan and on their first night together.

He'd even believed it when he'd been given the first gladiolus and received his first lesson on the importance of context in the flower language.

And even if he admitted it to no-one but himself – on some subconscious level, he'd believed it when Sousuke gave him that first red tulip.

No wonder it was so hard to breathe, with all these memories suffocating him. Because it was all just a dream. He'd been wrong, there was no 'him and Sousuke'. Just like how he'd been wrong about everything else.

_Am I losing my mind?_

Gin wanted to scream when he reached the top of the stairs. Because there was no way out, no way of escaping the wretched memories. They were everywhere, following him, hounding him, and at their heels, despair and humiliation. Panting, he shut himself in his bedroom. Or what used to be his bedroom, and slumped against the door, head in his hands. And he sat on the floor and wept. Bitter, hot, thick tears streaming down his face. He wept for the betrayal, his broken heart shattered by the one he loved most in the three worlds. He wept for the humiliation that would come when the news got out, particularly Captain Kyoraku's  _'I told you so'_ , because he'd been too blind and stupid to listen to his warning.

And he wept, too, because even in those final moments, right before their marriage died - when Gin was fighting the man's embrace and screaming  _'Don't touch me!'_  - he'd believed Aizen Sousuke genuinely felt love for him.

Gin sniffed and wiped his face. What had Aizen been expecting? He dragged in another shaky, unsteady breath, remembering the flowers downstairs. And felt vitriol bubble up inside him again.

 _What were you expecting, Sousuke?_ His thoughts railed.  _Was I supposed to be okay, with everything that you did?_

Gin clenched his fists so hard his knuckles were white, and his hands shook with unexpressed rage and pain. The purple hyacinth flashing under his eyelids.

_I am **broken**. I am  **hurting**. And I'm meant to  **forgive?!**_

He sucked in air through clenched teeth.  _You cut me to pieces. **Killed**  our marriage!  **Destroyed**  me! It's  **YOUR**  fault I'm a complete fucking  **WRECK!**_

Gin sighed shakily, still trembling with rage, but that was steadily giving way to hurt and heartache again, and his head leant back against the door. Tired.

_I wish I could make you see that._

_I smiled for you like never before, but now its forever gone. You won't see me smile like that anymore. Smiling. Happy. You destroyed me._

_I want you to see how you've made me feel._

_I want you to feel my pain..._

He opened his eyes again, and that's when he saw it. The chessboard. The one he'd been hoping to surprise Sousuke with. The pretty glass showpiece. Unused. Unopened.

Paired with the gladiolus by his feet – it would be perfect.

Gin rose to his feet slowly, set the board on the bedside table at his side of the bed, and set the gladiolus next to it. On the coaster Sousuke always set his morning tea on. Every day. Without fail. And Gin set that vase down very carefully, as if it would explode at any moment. Remembering very vividly waking up to that very first mug of tea the day after they'd moved in together. Feeling like an idiot for believing Aizen Sousuke loved him in that moment, too.

 _I feel like an idiot fer believin' it. Believin' ya loved me._  Gin thought, as if he could transmit his thoughts to Sousuke.  _But I guess there aint none so blind as those who don' wish ta see. Because I guess I didn't matter to you._

 _But the worst part?_ Gin thought, as he stood admiring his handiwork. A reply to the flowers downstairs he knew would absolutely fucking sting. Trying to hold back more tears and failing miserably.

_The worst part? I always knew._

_So here's my final **'fuck you!'**_

All the memories of their entire life together seemed to assault him all at once. Each one a stab to the heart. The lungs. All choking him, reminding him of his stupidity. Showing him just how big a goddamn fool he'd been to believe the words. Believe the Lie. Believe the Game.

And all he could do now about it was sit on the bed and cry. Until he felt brave enough to stand, pull himself together, and make himself walk out – and away from Aizen Sousuke.


End file.
